


cant get used to this, the fact that im alone

by Anonymous



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, but they dont know how to talk about it, gratuitous descriptions of sweaters, kai doesnt know what to do so he buys everyone croissants, sad yeonjun sad soobin everyone is sad, surprise kim mingyu, two gorgeous dummies in love, would love for these boys to talk about a single emotion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:28:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28357023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: “Do you ever worry that you traded fame for love? That we’ll never get to feel….I don’t know, what other people get to feel, I guess?”Soobin pours noodles into the pot of boiling water, his back to Yeonjun, and shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess I just kinda figured if I ever fell in love it was going to be with you.”
Relationships: Choi Soobin & Choi Yeonjun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 30
Kudos: 185
Collections: Anonymous





	cant get used to this, the fact that im alone

**Author's Note:**

> title from lyrics to ghosting

Yeonjun shouldn’t have watched the movie. But the dorm was dark and quiet and it was already on tv.

Plus, he needed something to watch while he ate, and if he spent forever clicking through channels, then his ramyeon would have gone cold, and that would have been another thing entirely to deal with.

Quiet nights like this were rare. They were between comebacks, and didn’t have anything scheduled after dance practice for the first time in months. Kai and Taehyun were at their parents’ houses. Soobin and Beomgyu had gone out with friends.

Beomgyu had come back around nine, laughed at Yeonjun for watching a romance on the couch, and gone promptly to bed.

But Soobin still wasn’t home, and it made Yeonjun itchy all over. Like he just realized his wallet was missing. Or his phone was dead. There was something distinctly uncomfortable about him still being gone. It felt like worry, but there was more to it than that.

Yeonjun lied to himself when he clicked on another movie at 11pm. He wasn’t staying up for Soobin. Soobin was an adult who could do what he wanted. He definitely wasn’t staying up because he was wondering who Soobin was with or what they were doing so late.

No, he was staying up because after the movie about the time traveler was a movie about a woman with amnesia, and he was already crying over the first movie, so it just felt cathartic to let the second one emotionally destroy him too.

His mother always said sometimes you just needed to feel your feelings, so tonight he was doing just that. Stripping off the armor and the veneer he was professionally obligated to go about life wearing.

So he watches. He lets himself feel. And he doesn’t text Soobin to ask where he is.

He watches the couple hold each other in the rain, tangle together in bed, fight and make up and it aches in every one of his cells because Yeonjun knows he’ll never get to have any of that.

He’s usually able to push it down, the shame of being a 21-year-old who has never kissed someone else, but tonight it hurts acutely, stinging, ugly and urgent like a fresh wound. He follows his mother’s advice. He lets himself feel it.

Millions of people around the world love him, but he’s never found anyone to care enough about him in his real life to do something as simple as kiss. How’s that for a joke?

First it was that he was a trainee, so determined to make it he didn’t dare flout a single rule. But now he’s an idol and he’s supposed to have everything he wants, except being Choi Yeonjun of TXT has come at the expense of being Yeonjun the boy, and he doesn’t know how to fix it, doesn’t think he can, really.

When Soobin stumbles through the door at 1:27 am Yeonjun has worked himself into a state.  
He’s drunk and crying over the movie and his own stupid life, and it feels like his whole chest is about to cave in on itself.

Soobin, impossibly tall in the doorway, trips over his own shoes as he crosses the threshold.

“Hey, Hyung.” He greets Yeonjun in a whisper. “Are the kids asleep?”

Yeonju scrubs away his tears with the back of his hand. The relief of seeing Soobin, home safe, is immediately replaced with embarrassment of letting Soobin walk in on his pity party.

“Hey,” Yeonjun sniffs, lifting his head from the damp pillow. “Um, just Gyu. Kai and Tae are with their parents.”

Soobin, upon seeing Yeonjun’s tear streaked face rushes to the couch and throws and heavy arm around Yeonjun’s shoulders.

Yeonjun buries his face into Soobin’s chest and simply lets himself be held. It feels good, impossibly good. Like relief.

Soobin cards a hand through Yeonjun’s pink hair. “Hey, hey Junnie, what’s wrong?”

Yeonjun shakes his head against Soobin’s chest. “It’s stupid, just the movie.”

“I’ll fight it for making you sad.”

Yeonjun looks up at Soobin and finds him a little glassy-eyed, his dark hair more disheveled than usually. “You drunk, Binnie?” Soobin is usually a two beers at dinner type. It’s Beomgyu and Kai they have to watch, they’re usually the ones sneaking shots at the bar.

Soobin pushes himself up off the couch and strolls to the kitchen where he begins riffling through cabinets for something to eat. “Yeah, I drank more than I realized. Nearly fell in the elevator. It was hilarious.”

“What’d you do tonight?”

“Went out with a few friends from school I haven’t seen in one billion years, because of our stupid schedules. We had barbeque, then I let myself be talked into karaoke. My voice is fucked for tomorrow. I’ll have to tell the manager hyungs I’m sorry.” He’s slurring a little.

He clicks on the stove. Fills a pot with water. Rips open a few ramyeon packets.

“You want one?” He asks Yeonjun over his shoulder.

“I already ate.” Yeonjun doesn’t know why his voice sounds so hollow. Why his chest feels like it’s full of bees. Why he can’t stop looking at Soobin. He shouldn’t have indulged his self-pity. It only made him feel weird and uneasy around the one person he should feel at home with.

He’s too scrubbed raw and Soobin is too drunk, they both should go to bed.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Soobin asks after a moment too long.

Yeonjun can feel his face flush red. Or maybe it’s the alcohol. He’s drunk too.

Not wasted, but definitely loose limbed and too warm.

“Like what?”

Soobin shrugs, and makes a face that shows both his dimples. “I don’t know, your face is all red, and you look kind of sick. You sure you’re good?”

“I had a rough night.”

A look of concern crosses Soobin’s face, even if his eyes are unfocused. Should Yeonjun really be letting him boil water in his current state?

Maybe it’s the Soju or maybe it’s because Yeonjun bets that Soobin won’t remember this in the morning, but he answers with the truth. “Do you ever worry that it’s not worth it? That like…we sold our souls at 14 and now we’ll never get to have normal lives.”

Soobin goes still. “What do you mean?”

“Do you ever worry that you traded fame for love? That we’ll never get to feel….I don’t know, what other people get to feel, I guess.”

Soobin pours noodles into the pot of boiling water, his back to Yeonjun, and shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess I just kinda figured if I ever fell in love it was going to be with you.”

The room tips a little, Yeonjun grips the edge of the counter for purchase. He must be drunker than he thought he was because there is no way he heard Soobin correctly.

“I…what?” Yeonjun chokes out.

Soobin stirs his noodles, still not looking at Yeonjun. He laughs, like any part of this is funny. He’s unsteady on his feet. “I don’t know, I just figured it’d be you, hyung. That probably doesn’t make any sense. Fuck, I am very drunk. Did you boil this water? Was it me?”

Yeonjun marches into the kitchen, his brain buzzing so loud it might explode. Careful not to touch Soobin, afraid of what might happen if he does, he clicks off the stove. The dorm burning down would only add to his problems.

“Eat your food. Drink some water. There’s asprin in the bathroom.” He orders from the entrance to the hallway.

Soobin carries the pot to the couch. “Such a good hyung.” He sighs to himself.

And Yeonjun goes to his room, stares at the ceiling, and doesn’t sleep at all.

_ I just kinda figured if I ever fell in love it was going to be with you  
I just kinda figured if I ever fell in love it was going to be with you _   
\--

Soobin is still on the futon the next morning, a mostly uneaten pot of ramyeon balanced perfectly on his broad chest.

Yeonjun is lacing up his sneakers by the door because maybe a run will help get some of this nervous energy out of his body, when Soobin blinks away.

“Hey, hyung.” His voice is creaky. “Fuck, I feel like shit. Did I do karaoke last night?”

Yeonjun forces a smile. “You did. I’m sure you were a triumph.”

Soobin frowns at the pot on his chest and sets it on the table. “I don’t think I remember anything after our third order of pork belly.”

Relief floods through Yeonjun. Maybe they never have to talk about it. “Sounds like you had fun. See you later!”

He slams the door behind him and prays the cold 7am air brings relief.

It doesn’t.

His feet pound the pavement as he runs circles around the park next to their apartment, but no matter how hard he pushes himself, he can’t get Soobin’s face last night out of his head. His big soft eyes. The shape of his mouth as he said _I just figured it’d be you, hyung._

Yeonjun loves Soobin. He loves him more than he ever thought he’d love anyone who isn’t his mom or dad. He loves Kai and Taehyun and Beomgyu too. But not like he loves Soobin.

He’d thought perhaps it was them being the two oldest that accounted for their special bond, but maybe he was wrong. Maybe he’s been stupid. Or maybe he’s being stupid now for even considering this.

Yeonjun puts a lot of effort into…well, everything. Back when he was a trainee, he figured if he was perfect he could avoid anyone ever saying anything bad about him, which at 16 was his biggest fear.

Now 21, he’s gotten good at pretending to be perfect, at having it all together. But beneath all that is someone goofy and strange and sweet who just wants desperately to be loved. He knows this about himself. He’s always been self-aware.

That’s why the Soobin confession is making him so nauseous. Maybe, he’s realizing, he doesn’t know much about himself at all.

Or maybe it’s knowing that Soobin sees all of him, not Choi Yeonjun the idol, but early morning breakfast Yeonjun, and late night stupid joke Yeonjun, and frustrated dance practice Yeonjun. The idea that he could see all of that, see _him_ , and still want him….well it’s almost too much to bear.

When he returns to the dorm, the run having only made him shakier and more confused, he finds Soobin, freshly showered, wrapped in a fuzzy grey bathrobe with ears, curled up on the couch.

He’s clutching a mug of tea in his hands, looking at little green. “Hey, hyung. How was your run?” The sight of him makes Yeonjun’s heart swell. He hates it.

“Shitty,” Yeonjun replies. “How’s your hangover?”

“Shitty. I deserve it though. The kids are back. Taehyun's mom made us kimbap. It’s in the fridge.”

“An angel, that woman.” Yeonjun replies, grateful for the excuse to look anywhere other than Soobin’s flushed cheeks.

He grabs a glass of water from the sink and downs it. He swallows hard and steels himself for the question he really doesn’t want to ask. “So, you really don’t remember coming home last night?”

Soobin shakes his head, embarrassed. “Not a thing. I can’t believe I used the stove.”

“You’re lucky I was there, you could have killed us all.”

“I didn’t say anything stupid, did I?”

Yeonjun turns to walk to the bathroom to shower. “Everything you say is stupid.” It comes out a little thin. He doesn’t mean it.

\--  
Yeonjun can’t focus at dance practice, he keeps tripping over his own feet, staring at Soobin in the mirror, his brain echoing a chorus of _did he mean it, did he mean it, did he mean it?_

Even their choreographer notices something is wrong and pulls Yeonjun into the hallway to ask if he’s in good condition. Yeonjun doesn’t have a reason to say no, but he doesn’t know why it feels like he’s lying when he says yes.

They practice until late into the night, and stumble home in the dark to reheat leftovers and collapse into bed.

Yeonjun doesn’t have much of an appetite. He goes to shower, but the hot water doesn’t do much to stave off the strange jittery feeling he can’t seem to shake.

He jumps as he exits the bathroom and finds Soobin standing there. He’s already wearing his pajamas. He looks soft and big-eyed. Worried, maybe.

“Hyung?” He greets Yeonjun.

“Sorry, Bin, you scared me.”

Soobin frowns. “I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry. I just wanted to check and see if you were okay.”

The hallway is too dark, too small. Yeonjun pictures kissing Soobin. How easy it would be to push him up against the wall. His lips are so big, he bets they would be soft---

He blinks the image away, huffs out a sigh. _What is wrong with him?_

“I’m good, just tired. See you in the morning.” He pushes past Soobin and into his bedroom.

He’s staring at the ceiling, attempting to undo the tangle of wires in his brain, when his door creaks open 20 minutes later.

He’d recognize Soobin’s silhouette anywhere, the way his shoulders slope when he’s worried.

Yeonjun closes his eyes, pretends to be asleep, because he doesn’t have the capacity to say any more words today.

Soobin softly closes the door and pads across the wood floors.

He peels back the duvet and slides in next to Yeonjun. His hair is wet. He smells like lavender.

It isn’t that they’ve never done this. Soobin sneaks into his bed sometimes. Beomgyu snores and Soobin is a light sleeper. They share beds all the time on tour. This isn’t any different.

But it feels different. Soobin’s head is on his shoulder and it feels different that anything Yeonjun has ever felt.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Soobin breaths against Yeonjun’s neck.

Yeonjun takes a deep breath. “How did you know I was awake?”

Soobin is quiet for a moment. “You were breathing hard, I guess. I could just tell.”

“No, Binnie, you didn’t wake me.”

Soobin pulls the duvet up under his chin. “Beommie is snoring. And I wanted to make sure you were okay. That you weren’t getting sick or something.”

Yeonjun laughs a little, despite himself. “That’s stupid, if I was getting sick, then we’d both be sick.”

“Mmm.” Soobin replies, his voice getting heavy with sleep. “That doesn’t sound so bad. At least we’d be together.”

“Together, yeah.”

_ I just kinda figured if I ever fell in love it was going to be with you. _

Soobin nestles into Yeonjun’s neck, and throws a heavy arm over his stomach like this is nothing at all. “Night, Junnie.”

Yeonjun’s whole body is electric. “Night, Binnie.”

“Mmmm” Soobin hums, already too lost in sleep to reply.

\--

Yeonjun wishes he’d never stayed up to watch the movie. That he’d never waited up for Soobin at all.

It’s been weeks now, and it’s all he can think about it.

Soobin is acting normal. Which is to say kind and sweet and attentive to everyone, but now when Yeonjun sees him hugging Kai from behind, or running his hands through Beomgyu’s hair while they wait for lights to be adjusted on set he feels a roil of…jealousy? Except it can’t possibly be jealousy because he doesn’t want Soobin.

He just sometimes wants to poke his dimples and kiss his stupid forehead so badly he might die. But that’s different than jealously. That’s how he’s always felt.

He can’t stop looking at Soobin, from across the kitchen, or dance practices, or the green room at MNET.

He looks normal, relaxed, and long-limbed. Each smile lands like a punch to the gut. If he wanted Yeonjun, wouldn’t he be as torn up as he is? Wouldn’t he feel this nauseous all the time too?

Soobin was drunk, Yeonjun thinks. He was trying to cheer him up and said something stupid. He didn’t mean it. There’s no way he meant it.

\--

It’s two weeks before Soobin slides into Yeonjun’s bed again.

Yeonjun is still up, this time, watching a drama on a laptop balanced on his chest in the dark.

Soobin slinks in and slides in next to him, completely unaware of how such a simple action makes Yeonjun’s heart rate skyrocket.

“Beommie is snoring again.” Soobin says. He nudges Yeonjun’s elbow until Yeonjun lifts it, giving Soobin room to lay his head on Yeonjun’s chest.

“Is the show any good?” Soobin asks. Yeonjun is so distracted by the warm weight of his skull, he doesn’t even remember the show’s name.

He snaps his laptop shut. “Not really. I should sleep.”

“Mmhmm.” Soobin mutters. His eyes are closed, the slope of his nose illuminated in the silver blue glow of the moonlight spilling in from the windows. Yeonjun never bought curtains, didn’t see the point when he had to wake at dawn every day anyway.

He balls his hand into a fist at his side to stop himself from carding his fingers through Soobin’s hair. He hates himself for wanting to.

He closes his eyes and wills himself to sleep, but instead his brain betrays him, and fires off a tooth-achingly sweet montage.

Soobin, gangly and scared walking into the dorm for the first time. Their first meal together, fried chicken after dance practice in a café that shut down two years ago. The nervous smile Soobin gave him the moment before they stepped out on their debut stage. Running down the beach in Santa Monica. Falling asleep tangled in each other’s arms in a tent in Joshua Tree.

Planes, trains, and cars ferrying them across the great wide world as they chased the same wild dream together.

Soobin’s steady breathing and warm hand being his grounding point through all of it.

His safe place to land when the rest of his life spun out of control.

Soobin’s head is on his chest. He’d like to feel this forever, maybe.

“Binnie?” Yeonjun whispers to the dark.

Soobin doesn’t answer. His breathing is slow and steady, rising and falling like the tides of the ocean pulled by the moon. It’s for the best. Yeonjun doesn’t know what he’d say if he were awake anyway.

Yeonjun’s eyes sting as he stares up at the ceiling in the dark and thinks, _shit._

\--

It doesn’t get better. It only gets worse.

There are some days where Yeonjun can barely stand to look at Soobin. It’s all just so _much_. The feeling in his chest grows and grows, like snaking vines, like roots pushing through bedrock, until it’s hard to breathe around.

Yeonjun thinks (hopes) maybe he isn’t in love with his best friend. The drunken moment in the kitchen is the closest thing Yeonjun has ever gotten to a real confession of love, and maybe he’s so lonely his brain latched onto it like a leech, and now it’s draining the life out of him.

Soobin didn’t mean it. Yeonjun is sure of that now. He’s acting so _normal_. If he were even a fraction as tortured as Yeonjun is, Yeonjun would be able to tell. He was probably just trying to make Yeonjun feel better because he was crying, but Soobin was drunk and it came out all wrong. He didn’t mean it. There’s no way he meant it.

But Yeonjun can’t do nothing. He can’t feel this way forever, so he resolves to do something to fix it. He’ll kiss someone else. He’ll move on from this. He’ll scrub the moment in the kitchen from his brain, and go back to being a good hyung, to having his best friend fall asleep on his chest without waking up hard.

Yes, that’s the answer. He’ll fall for someone else. Someone, anyone who isn’t Soobin.

The rest of the boys are asleep, Soobin in his own room, when Yeonjun pulls out his phone, and clicks on a name he’s never texted before.

He met Mingyu at last year’s MAMAs, nearly a full year ago. Mingyu had complimented his performance and asked if they could exchange numbers, maybe meet up sometime. It didn’t escape Yeonjun’s notice he hadn’t given his number to the other members.

Right now, the phone number is the closest thing to a lifeline Yeonjun has. He grips onto it with white knuckle desperation.

_ “Hey, it’s Yeonjun _ .” He hits send before he loses his nerve.

Mingyu texts back immediately. “ _Hey Yeonjun, good to hear from you.”_

Yeonjun takes a deep breath. He can do this. “ _You free this weekend_?”

Mingyu starts typing right away. He doesn’t leave Yeonjun waiting, he likes that. _“I’ll be around Saturday night. Would love to take you to dinner._ “

Yeonjun appreciates his directness. This is how it’s supposed to be. Easy. Not a 2am confession with someone’s back to you while they’re making ramyeon.

_ “I’d like that too _ .” Yeonjun replies.

He plugs his phone in across the room to stop himself from checking it again.

\--

Yeonjun wakes in a cold sweat Saturday morning. The other members bug him about his mysterious evening plans. He smiles like it’s some big joke, but he feels sick to his stomach all day.

After practice, Yeonjun muscles his way first through the dorm door claims first shower. He blow-dries his hair. Dresses in a black sweater and cropped leather jacket. Pulls a hat low over his face, and ghosts out of the dorm before anyone has the chance to ask him where he’s going.

His phone buzzes in his pocket when he’s halfway down the block. It’s Soobin. _“did you leave already :(“_

Yeonjun doesn’t reply.

Mingyu is already at the restaurant, wearing a light blue sweater and a kind smile. He’s ordered them both beers, which is nice, even though Yeonjun is usually more of a wine drinker.

He’s cuter than Yeonjun remembers. And bigger. He’s even got a few centimeters on Soobin, which is rare.

Mingyu reminds Yeonjun of a golden retriever, all quick smiles and easy laughter.

Over bulgogi, he tells Yeonjun about what it’s like being in a band with that many people (it sounds a little like hell to Yeonjun, but Mingyu seems to enjoy the barely controlled chaos) He tells him about the time they nearly left one of their members in Japan and didn’t realize it until they were at the airport. And about the time he hit his head so hard in the MuBank greenroom he was dizzy their whole comeback performance. He tells Yeonjun about his love of film and producing. About his other idol friends and his friends from back home.

It’s easy. He’s an easy person to talk to. Yeonjun likes him, he thinks. Or wants to like him. Could like him, probably.

It’s so natural Yeonjun even forgets to flirt. He just let’s himself be swept up in Mingyu’s stories. He shares a few of his own, like when he and Soobin first tried to shop in an American grocery store. And the time Soobin convinced the others to sleep on the beach in LA.

“You and Soobin seem close.” Mingyu smiles.

“Yeah.” Yeonjun agrees. He doesn't understand the sick coil of guilt unfurling in his stomach. Hands clutched around a sweaty beer glass, he reminds himself he's allowed to want this. 

Mingyu gave the host his credit card before Yeonjun even arrived and laughs when Yeonjun tries to pay.

They walk out of the restaurant onto a quiet Gangnam side street, starlit and cold. Mingyu reaches out and interlaces his fingers with Yeonjun’s, sending a riot of butterflies through him. It’s what he wanted. This is how it’s supposed to be.

“I had a good time tonight.” Mingyu says. His hand is warm and solid. It’s nice. Yes, nice is a word for this moment.

“I did too.” Yeonjun says. And it isn’t a lie. But it doesn’t feel like the whole truth.

With a confident tug, Mingyu pulls Yeonjun down a dark residential alleyway and presses him against a brick wall.

He’s so big, looking down at Yeonjun with soft eyes and a kind smile. Yeonjun puts his hands on his broad chest, and trails his fingers, feather-soft across the muscles there. His breath quickens. He feels hot all over.

Mingyu’s eyes flick to Yeonjun’s lips. He leans down. This is what Yeonjun wanted. What he came here for.

“Is this okay?” Mingyu whispers.

Yeonjun nods.

“You look scared.” Mingyu says with a kind smile.

Yeonjun blinks. Then rises up on his toes and presses his mouth to Mingyu’s.

Mingyu responds enthusiastically, wrapping his arms around Yeonjun’s waist.

Yeonjun pulls back a fraction of an inch. “I’m not scared.” He whispers. But if he’s not scared, what is he?

And why, the moment of his first kiss, did Soobin’s face pop into his head?

He and Mingyu kiss like this for a while. Mingyu’s a good kisser and Yeonjun is a quick learner. It’s the appropriate amount of tongue. Of hairpulling. Of hip movement.

It’s nice. Everything about Mingyu is nice.

Mingyu pulls back, starry-eyed and breathing a little heavy. He runs his hands down Yeonjun’s arms, slow and careful, like he’s something precious he wants to keep, “You wanna come back to my dorm with me?”

Yeonjun considers his offer, but he has early rehearsal and his phone has been buzzing in his pocket for the last 45 minutes, which means the others are definitely wondering where he is.

He should want this. He wants to want this. But it’s easy to say no. “I have an early day tomorrow,” Yeonjun says apologetically.

Mingyu understands, like Yeonjun knew he would.

“I wish I could hold your hand, but I’ll walk you home.” Mingyu says, and Yeonjun lets him. Shielded in the vestibule from any cameras or passersby, Mingyu kisses him once more at the door to his building, soft and sweet, something with the promise of more.

It’s after 10 when Yeonjun walks through the door to the dorm. The only one still up is Soobin, wearing an oversized sweatshirt that once belonged to Yeonjun, scrolling through his phone on the couch, his mouth in a hard line of worry.

“Where were you?” He greets Yeonjun, as he stumbles through the door. He resists the urge to bring his hands to his mouth. He left this dorm un-kissed, and it feels as if he’s returning changed.

“Wow, hi Dad.” Yeonjun jokes, but it comes out hollow. He’s surprised to see Soobin up. In another world he’d sit down on the couch next to him and tell him all about Mingyu, his date, their kiss.

But Soobin is looking at him like Yeonjun’s done something wrong. And Yeonjun is disappointed to find kissing Mingyu didn’t erase the 2am moment from his brain. He hears the words in his head even louder now, ringing like an alarm he can’t figure out how to turn off _. I just figured it’d be you, hyung._

“Sorry, I was just worried.” Soobin’s face softens.

Yeonjun keeps his voice distant, casual. “I was having dinner with a friend.”

Soobin furrows his brow “Who?”

Yeonjun turns from him to shrug off his coat. “You don’t know them.”

Soobin’s response is whip-quick. “I know all the same people you know.”

“Well you don’t know him.” It comes out sharper than he means it to.

Soobin is quiet for a long moment. Yeonjun toes off his boots.

“Your mouth looks weird.” Soobin finally says, quieter than before.

Yeonjun stops, stands stalk still. The room feels charged. If this isn’t a fight it feels awfully close to one. “If you want to say something then say it.”

Soobin bites his lip. Yeonjun know this look, it’s the same one he gets in interviews. He’s considering his words carefully. “Were you on a date?”

“Why do you care?”

Something between them snaps. Soobin springs up from the couch. “Of course I care!”

“I’m allowed to have this, Soobin!” Yeonjun raises his voice, he can’t help it. “I’m allowed to have someone want me!” His voice cracks on the last word and he suddenly feels as if he might cry.

Soobin looks nearly on the verge of tears too, though Yeonjun can’t imagine why.

Soobin drops his head, his voice comes out in an agonized whisper. “It just…feels selfish.”

Yeonjun’s voice drips with acid. Soobin, with his 2am confessions that turn other people’s worlds upside down has no room to speak of selfishness. Words have consequences. “Well you’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?”

Yeonjun pushes past Soobin, and marches down the hall to his own bedroom. He slams the door and locks it with a click, but it’s stupid, he knows Soobin isn’t coming to his bed tonight.

\--

After that, it’s awful. It’s all just one giant bag of awful.

Yeonjun can’t shake the feeling it’s his fault, but he did nothing wrong. He didn’t confess at 2am, he didn’t yell at his friend for going on a date, he isn’t the one who ruined everything.

Soobin has the audacity to go around the apartment looking wounded, with his sunken shoulders and big watery eyes. He looks like a goddamn kicked puppy.

Yeonjun wants to kick him. He wants to collapse into his arms and try to press all their broken pieces together just as badly.

The kids take Soobin’s side, as they usually do.

Yeonjun has never garnered much sympathy. He’s too loud, too sharp, to mouthy to be any good at playing the victim. It’s Soobin who inspires pity, not him.

He spends his waking hours dodging glares from Beomgyu, and avoiding Taehyun in corners begging him to tell him what happened between them.

Yeonjun knows it would be easier to explain if understood it himself. For now he just says “It’s nothing, Soobin’s being weird. I don’t know what the hell his problem is.”

It feels like most of the truth.

Yeonjun leaves out the details. He’s allowed to keep some things tucked away in his ribcage just for him.

Like, how at night he scrolls through his phone in the dark looking at years of pictures of he and Soobin, staring at their baby-fat faces, and wondering where it all went pear-shaped.

He doesn’t tell the others of the burn in his chest that won’t go away. The burn he can’t put a name to.

One night after dance practice, he and Soobin run into each other in the kitchen. Soobin is at the sink, filling up a glass of water, illuminated only in the light of the fridge.

Yeonjun, already in pajamas came out to get something to snack on.

Soobin pauses, his eyes round in surprise at running into Yeonjun like they both don’t live here.

“Hyung—” he says, startled.

“I’m just getting a snack, I’ll be out of your way in a minute.” Yeonjun grumbles. He can’t bear to look at Soobin, so he looks at the floor.

“I don’t want that.” Soobin says.

Yeonjun’s eyes snap up to meet Soobin’s. His face is open, searching for something in Yeonjun, but Yeonjun doesn’t know what. “What do you want?”

“I want to take it back but I can’t.”

Yeonjun pushes past him, no longer hungry at all. “Then we have nothing else to talk about.”

\--

They barely speak for two weeks.

They’re both professionals, and keep things cordial on set and when the manager hyungs are around, but in the dorm, there is nothing but icy silence.

Yeonjun hates it. Kai and Beomgyu and Taehyun hate it. Soobin doesn’t seem to particularly like it, but Yeonjun refuses to be in the same room with him long enough to tell.

Yeonjun texts Mingyu at night. Simple stuff, asking about each other’s day, but it stokes the fire of his spite. _Take that_ , he thinks. _You think I’m selfish? Watch me be selfish._

They’ve all had fights over the years but nothing like this. None of them seem to know what exactly the issue is, so no one can make it go away.

It’s why, 13 days after their fight, Yeonjun is shocked to hear his door squeak open past midnight.

A slash of light from the hallway dances across his bed, and he blinks awake to find Soobin’s shadow in his doorway.

“Is everything okay?” He whispers, blood suddenly thrumming with adrenaline. Are the other members okay? Did something happen?

Soobin doesn’t answer, just silently pads into the room on socked feet, and slides in next to Yeonjun.

His body is so big and so warm, Yeonjun wants to curl up against him. He missed this fiercely, the feeling of Soobin next to him. He nearly wants to cry now at the sensation of it, the heat flooding into his body.

It takes him a moment to realize Soobin is crying. Near silent little sniffles, his chest shaking each time he inhales.

Yeonjun reaches out in the dark and brushes away a tear from Soobin’s wet cheek. The skin is soft. Yeonjun misses squeezing it, he has to resist the urge to now.

“What’s wrong Binnie?” He asks. Yeonjun’s feelings are softened, here in the dark. It’s easy to forget to be mad.

Soobin sniffs again and nuzzles his wet face into Yeonjun’s chest. Yeonjun reaches out a hand and cards it through Soobin’s soft hair.

“Shhh.” He whispers, like his mom did to him when he was little and crawled into bed with her when he was sick or scared. “Shhh, Binnie, tell me what’s wrong.”

Soobin’s breath is shaky. He speaks like the words are stuck deep inside him. “I’m tired, Junnie. I’m just so, so tired.”

Yeonjun knows what he means.

_ I just kinda figured if I ever fell in love it was going to be with you.  _

“Then sleep, Bin.” He whispers back, in this quiet moment, apart from the rest of the world, just for the two of them.

And Soobin does.

Yeonjun does too, his limbs tangled in Soobin’s, his hands in his hair. And relief, blessed, temporary relief, thrums in his veins.

\--

Soobin in gone in the morning. Yeonjun wakes to nothing but the feeling of the ghost of him curled around his middle. _Alone, alone, alone._

He hates waking up alone, but he’s relieved he doesn’t have to face his feelings in the light of day.

He’s not ready to admit yet how deep in it he is. He’s afraid if he starts swimming through the feeling of Soobin he’ll realize he’s drowning and never breech the surface again.

When Mingyu asks him out again, it feels like a life preserver.

_ Dinner Friday? I know a place I’d love to take you to. _

Yeonjun types out his response immediately _. I’d love that._

From across the dance studio he catches Soobin’s eyes in the mirror. They’re dark and upset, and Yeonjun knows he’s wondering who he’s texting. It feels like a victory in a war he doesn’t want to be in.

The next three days tick by slowly, marked by heavy silences in cars and strange looks over the breakfast table.

Beomgyu is being pointedly cheerful and Kai keeps bringing them all desserts in a transparent attempt to put everyone in a good mood. Taehyun lets them be, which Yeonjun appreciates, but it doesn’t stop him from eating whatever Kai brings in from Paris Baguette.

Friday is a photoshoot, which is lucky. Yeonjun leaves the makeup on, shakes out his hair, and he’s ready to meet Mingyu.

He throws a long tan coat on over his black button up and loose trousers. He laces his boots by the door, and slams it behind him. He no longer cares if the others hear him leave.

Seoul is particularly sparkly tonight. The winter air expands his tight chest, and the moon overhead is full and bright.

He walks down the street, bathed in neon city lights and tries to let the cold into his chest cavity to cool the unwanted fire that still burns there.

Three blocks from the dorm, he’s startled by the sound of feet slapping the pavement behind him. They’re getting closer and faster, and not seemingly making any movements to go around him like a jogger would.

Yeonjun wheels around to face the sound and stops, shocked, when he sees Soobin, doubled over and panting.

He’s wearing sweatpants, but the same fuzzy, periwinkle sweater he was wearing earlier in the day, like he was half way through changing when he ran out of the dorm.

“I---” Yeonjun doesn’t know what to say, he barely believes what he’s seeing. “What are you doing here?”

Soobin sucks in a deep breath, and pulls himself upright. “Are you on your way to a date?” He pants. His cheeks are red with the cold and exertion.

Yeonjun’s heart sinks. He no longer has the energy to relive this fight.

“I-- yeah, Soobin. I am. Can we please be finished fighting about this? I can't do it anymore.”

Soobin shakes his head, his eyes wide and worried. “No, no, I didn’t mean it like that!” His bottom lip quivers a little, and Yeonjun has to tamp down the urge to take him in his arms. He can't bear another rejection.

“I just meant,” he continues, breathing hard. “that I wanted to apologize before you left. I don't want to be a problem for you anymore. I wanted to tell you to have fun, that I’m…that I’m sorry.”

Yeonjun stares in disbelief. The only thing he can manage to say is. “Binnie, you’re not wearing a coat.”

Soobin looks down like he’s only just now realizing. “You left so suddenly. I had a whole speech planned and everything, but then you were gone.”

The fire in Yeonjun’s chest roars to life, he takes a step closer to Soobin. “What was in the speech, Binnie?”

Soobin presses his lips together and balls his hands into fists at his side. He looks just like he did before they bungee jumped a few months ago for a variety show. Yeonjun feels it too, the precipice they're on. He wants to jump. 

“I wanted to tell you that I remember that night. The night I came home drunk and told you how I felt, and I’m sorry that I was a coward and that I denied it, and I’m sorry that I took my jealously out on you afterwards.”

He sucks in a shaky breath, and blinks one fat tear down his cheek. “And I wanted to tell you that I think you’re the most wonderful person I know, even if you drive me absolutely insane and if you’ve found someone you want, then you deserve that. You deserve every bit of happiness in the world, and I hope that person knows they’re the luckiest. I hope they deserve you.”

Soobin tilts his head up to the sky to try to stop the tears, falling more steadily now. “Oh, and I also wanted to tell you we never have to talk about this ever again. We can forget about it. I’ll be good. I promise.”

_ I’ll be good _ . It just about cracks Yeonjun’s heart in half, the sudden knowledge they’ve both been suffering all this time. That it wasn’t just him, alone in this. Soobin was across the wall, across the dance studio, across his bed, aching too.

Yeonjun takes a careful step toward him, reaches down, and takes Soobin’s quivering hands in his. “What if I don’t want to forget?”

Soobin’s gaze snaps to Yeonjun’s, eyebrows knit together in shock, “What?”

Yeonjun takes a step closer, so he’s nearly pressed against Soobin’s chest and looks up at him.

“Binnie, what makes you think it’s just you?”

He reaches up and brushes away Soobin’s tears. “I don’t want to forget.” He takes his own steading breath. He thinks of the moment Soobin walked into their dorm, knobby kneed and terrified. Yeonjun was sitting on the couch. Boys were coming in and out of the dorm all the time then, but something inside Yeonjun whispered this one is going to be important.

Now he’s holding Soobin’s hands on a street corner and he’s the most important thing in the world.

“Soobin, I think I’ve been gone for you since the day we met, but I was too stubborn to see it until that moment in the kitchen. I thought you didn’t mean it, that you didn’t want me and I…I was selfish Binnie, you were right. I let it eat me from the inside out. Because the truth is, I can’t imagine being with anyone who isn’t you. I don’t want to be.”

Like two stars pulled together by gravity, Soobin leans down, and crushes their mouths together.

Kissing him soothes the ache in every single one of Yeonjun's bones. It's magic, it's a relief.

His lips are both soft and urgent. Yeonjun rises up to meet him with enthusiasm, nipping at his pillowy bottom lip.

Soobin wraps his arms around Yeonjun’s waist like he can’t get him close enough, and Yeonjun winds his fingers through the hair at the nape of Soobin’s neck.

_ I love you _ , Yeonjun thinks. He’ll tell him later when they’re somewhere quiet, not on a side street in below freezing weather. They have time now, all the time in the world.

Soobin is the first one to pull back, panting, pupils blown wide, tears still clinging to his lashes. “We probably shouldn’t do this in public.” He laughs.

Yeonjun winds his fingers through Soobin’s. “Take me back to your place?”

Soobin smiles down at him and it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.

“Wait, shit--” Yeonjun curses, pulling his phone out of his pocket. “I actually did have a date tonight.”

Soobin laughs, a little guilty. “I assume it’s safe to say it’s cancelled?”

Yeonjun rises up on his toes and kisses him once more. “Absolutely.”

_ So sorry to cancel last minute. I think you’re wonderful, but I’ve been ignoring feelings I had for someone else and I’d hate to be unfair to you. I’d really like if we could still be friends. _

Mingyu’s reply is as immediate and kind and Yeonjun knew it would be _. No problem, truly. Would love to be your friend, Choi Yeonjun. Good luck with your someone else._

Yeonjun lets himself be led by the hand back to their dorm.

They both ignore Beomgyu and Taehyun who shout at them as they walk in, fingers interlaced, and head straight to Yeonjun’s room.

They lock the door.

Yeonjun pulls Soobin down to his bed and crushes their lips together once more.

Later, illuminated in the silvery glow of the moonlight, Soobin is running his hands across Yeonjun’s bare shoulders. “The whole time huh?”

Yeonjun nods. “I think so. What about you?”

Soobin gazes down at Yeonjun like he’s seeing him for the first time. He takes him in slowly, like he memorizing how he looks in this moment. “Junnie, I was yours the minute I walked into that dorm room and saw you laying on the couch. My first thought was I should leave if I was competing with trainees as handsome as you. My second was that I had to stay because I couldn’t bear the thought of never seeing you again.”

Yeonjun gazes up at Soobin. He’ll never be sick of looking at him. “You have me now. You have me always.”

Soobin pulls him closer, and Yeonjun is home. He’s home in all the ways that matter.

_ I just kinda figured if I ever fell in love it was going to be with you _

Of course it was going to be Soobin. Of course it was going to be them.

**Author's Note:**

> god I have got to stop writing anonymous txt fics. I also wrote [ give me your wishlist](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28086750) if you want yeonbin...horny christmas, i guess. 
> 
> thank you for reading and commenting! <3


End file.
